


trust to nothing but a shadow

by asphodelgrimoire



Series: sinners in the hands of an angry god [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Confessions, Family Reunions, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Misgendering, Trans Aaron Burr, Trans Male Character, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-07-14 22:09:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7192820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asphodelgrimoire/pseuds/asphodelgrimoire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Litchfield is a small county. The distance from 61 Main Street to 82 South Street is about ten minutes.</p><p>Aaron gets ten minutes to think of what he'll say when he faces his sister for the first time in four years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	trust to nothing but a shadow

**Author's Note:**

> kay so this is some wild stuff
> 
> um.... idk what to say about this other than the boys are finally getting somewhere. yay?
> 
> title is from jonathan edwards' sermon

Litchfield is a small county. The distance from 61 Main Street to 82 South Street is about ten minutes.

Aaron gets ten minutes to think of what he'll say when he faces his sister for the first time in four years.

It's not that she left him so much as that she just _left_. Got married at seventeen, and was smart enough to trick their uncle into thinking her husband gave the same kind of discipline. She'd told Aaron the truth later, and he was almost angry that she let him think Tappan hurt her like Timothy hurt them, even for an hour. After that, he was just happy that she'd gotten out. They had exchanged emails, and sometimes she would write to him, but it wasn’t ever the same.

Now, he couldn't think of anything to say to her.

"Aaron? We're here," Jon says from the driver's seat. Aaron has his eyes closed but he isn't even near sleep. He knows where they are. Jon smartly only brought himself along, maybe for emotional support, or because Aaron didn't yet have a license to drive.

"Okay," he replies, sighing and pushing the car door open. Jon touches his shoulder sympathetically and gets out on his side.

“I’ve got you,” Jon says, not at all like he did just a week or so ago. Aaron’s memories of that night make it seem like a wedding. _Some marriage,_ he thinks. With an arch of sterile light from the bathroom and bruise-tone blossoms clasped in front of him, Jon giving unanswered vows. That’s what it was, really; a promise. Now, it’s more than that. A vow put into action, not just comforting words said in the dark. Aaron wants to see what it means.

He nods, and Jon walks to the door with him, keeping close. It’s a quaint little yellow house, looks like something the Sally he knows would hate. He watches some blackbirds land on the grass while Jon rings the doorbell.

Aaron hears the door creak and instantly knows that it’s Tappan, because Sally would be hollering by now if it was she who opened the door.

“Hello?” Aaron had forgotten that not even Sally knew about Jon. He turns around to smile briefly at Tappan, who looks just like he did six years ago, with maybe a few grey hairs. Aaron remembers him as nervous and unsociable, but he was a very good tutor. Sally never had an obvious crush on him, but she was cryptic about things like that in the first place, would always let him blab anxiously about his personal thoughts, and then when he asked about hers, would distract him with those of her classmates.

“Hey, Tappan,” he says quietly, nudging Jon aside to face him. Aaron can’t muster up a smile, but he gives an honest effort. “I know you- probably don’t recognize me, but- I’m Sally’s… brother.”

“Brother? She has a- oh,” he cuts himself off with a noise, almost punched out of him. Aaron winces for his sake. “Yes, I’m sorry. She told me, it’s um…”

“Aaron. It’s Aaron. And it’s alright. We haven’t seen each other in a long time, and I look… different,” he replies hesitantly and tries to get to the point so as to dissipate the awkwardness. “Is Sally home? Can I see her?” It stings a little that he has to introduce himself like this to someone who taught him for years, but it only makes sense. He doesn’t look like he did at age fifteen.

Tappan still looks out of his depth, but he answers quickly. “Oh, yes. Here, come inside, sorry,” he breathes and steps aside, eyeing Jon a bit warily. Jon squares his shoulders and brushes past him. Aaron follows, shrugging apologetically at Tappan as he walks in. He knows the man is just worried about letting strangers into his house, but Aaron doesn’t think there’s a reason to suspect him of wrongdoing immediately. He swats at Jon’s arm when he gripes about it under his breath. The entrance is dark, and it almost seems like nobody else is home.

“Um, this is Jonathan Bellamy. Jon, this is Tappan Reeve, my brother-in-law,” Aaron says, gesturing to both of them respectively. Jon removes one hand from his pocket to put forward for a handshake, his smile honest but strained, and Tappan takes it, still wary. Aaron hears the _Grey’s Anatomy_ theme song coming from the end of the hallway and flinches when it’s muted suddenly.

“Tappan? Is there someone at the door?” Hearing Sally’s voice almost makes him want to walk right back out and drive away, but Jon puts both hands on his shoulders in a show of support, and Aaron figures that it won’t be all that bad.

Tappan looks at both of them. “Your brother is here, with his friend,” he calls.

There’s silence. Then Aaron hears a rounded noise, like a plastic cup being dropped on a glass table, then heels clacking rapidly. His sister turns the corner with a hysteric smile already in place, her arms open.

He lets her smother him. “Aaron, oh gosh, look at you, how tall are you now? When did you cut your hair? I love it,” She puts a hand on either side of his head and kisses his temples, having to bend down with the added height of her heels.

“I don’t know, um, a few months after you left. Rhoda convinced Timothy to let me,” he says, twiddling his thumbs and grimacing unintentionally. _She just wants to be like her sister,_ Rhoda had reasoned, her purple nail thumbing over Timothy’s collar and her eyelashes fluttering. She had tried to use her influence for Aaron’s wellbeing, but that didn’t extend to anything actually useful.

Sally’s eyes seem to dim down. “Oh,” she says quietly and steps away from him as if burned. She smooths down the skirt of her dress. “I’m glad you came by, anyhow,” Sally looks to Jon. “And who is this?”

Aaron opens his mouth to answer, but Jon beats him to it, sticking a hand out. “Jonathan Bellamy. I usually just go by Jon. It’s nice to meet you.”

Sally gives him a tight smile and a disdainful onceover before taking his hand. “Sarah Burr. I usually just go by Sally. Nice to meet you too. Aaron hasn’t mentioned a friend in his emails, but you must be busy with college, aren’t you?”

“Was, busy with college,” Aaron corrects, looking down at his shoes. “I’m, uh, taking a gap year. And I’m staying at Jon’s house, at least for the summer. Maybe longer, I’m not sure.”

Sally twitches at that. “Is that so?” And Jon nods. “That’s good. In any case, would you mind going back to the living room? I’d like to catch up with Aaron, alone, preferably. There’s a TV and a mini fridge back there, if you’d like to make use of them. Tappan, could you show him where the remote is?” Both of the men nod and retreat down the hallway. Jon flashes him a smile before disappearing, but it doesn’t make Aaron feel any better. He knows what this talk is going to be about. “Who is he?” Sally hisses quietly.

“My friend. He’s been my friend for a few years now,” Aaron replies, avoiding her gaze.

“Your friend? That isn’t how you look at a _friend,_ Aaron. He’s older than you, and bigger than you, and-“

“Where would I go? _Where would I go?_ Like you tried to get me out of there,” Aaron seethes, and he doesn’t know why. He’s never been angry at her for getting married and leaving him behind ever before, but now he can’t stop. “It’s been four years, and you never once tried to take me with you, never tried to make him stop, and you know what? There’s a lot of shit I haven’t told you. I’m taking a gap year because Timothy wasn’t the only one, and Princeton wasn’t safe either,” Sally’s eyes widen in confusion, and he feels a sick sense of satisfaction when her expression crumbles to guilt. “I’ve spent the last four years in _Hell,_ and now that I’m living ten minutes away from you with the only person who’s ever made me feel safe, you want to worry about me?”

Now she’s is the one avoiding eye contact. “Aaron-“

“You don’t _get_ to worry about me anymore,” he says.

“I’m sorry. I messed up. I don’t know why we never came back for you, and I don’t expect you to forgive me,” she admits, taking his hands in hers. He allows it, but stubbornly keeps stone-faced. “And I don’t have the right to be concerned now when I never acted on it then. But I don’t want to let it happen again. I don’t want you to get hurt again because I didn’t do something about it,” Sally pauses and tilts her head towards the hallway. “He makes you happy?”

“Yeah, but- he’s my friend,” And before he knows it, he’s lost all his fire, stammering through his repetitive defense.

“He loves you?” Sally sees right through him, always has. She smiles, still a little sad.

“I don’t know,” Aaron mumbles, and she pats his cheek.

“Sure you do,” she says. He opens his mouth to protest, but she continues. “In any case, I’m glad you found someone who’ll be there for you. I wish I could be one, but,” Sally bites her lip. “Only when you want me to be there. When you’re ready. You can drop by any time.”

“Thanks,” he replies lamely. Sally just nods.

“Would you like to stay for tea?”

“Um, no. But maybe next time,” Aaron says, and she brightens at the implication that there will be a next time. She links their arms and walks him down the hallway to where Tappan and Jon are watching some retro thriller film.

Sally knocks on the doorway to signal their presence and puts on a sweet smile. Tappan pauses the movie. “I think Aaron’s ready to go now,” And he nods, feeling the weight on his chest dissipate. “Shame I didn’t get to talk to you more, Jon,” she says as Jon stands up. He throws her an oblivious grin and shakes Tappan’s hand.

“Maybe next time,” he replies as the couple heads back into the foyer to see them off. Aaron smiles.

He waves to Sally before they get into the car, then the pristine off-white door closes.

“Did your talk go well?” Jon asks, eyes on the rearview mirror as he backs out of the driveway.

“I don’t know. I sort of ranted at her for a while,” Aaron says honestly. He doesn’t have any reason to lie, but he also doesn’t have a reason to disclose Sally’s initial distrust for Jon, so he avoids mentioning it. “I’m not really angry at her, but I feel like I needed to be angry at someone for a moment. It’s alright now, I think.”

“Good,” he replies, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. “Sorry I had to ditch you for it.”

“It was probably for the best,” Aaron wonders when he became efficient in communicating. “I wouldn’t really want you to hear what I said to her,” Jon hums, agreeing.

It’s silent again until they reach the Bellamy house. “Jon?”

“Yeah?” He takes his keys out of the ignition and looks to Aaron. It’s clear he has no idea what this is about, and it almost makes Aaron want to say _never mind,_ but he pushes forward.

“Why are you letting me live with you?”

Jon’s eyebrows furrow, and he frowns, puzzled. “You’re my friend. You were in a bad situation.”

Aaron sighs heavily. He doesn’t want to force Jon to say it if he doesn’t feel it, but Aaron’s tired of being told things that he already knows. “I mean, why do you kiss me?” he asks.

Jon swallows and stares down at his lap. “If you don’t want me to, I won’t do it anymore, I just-“

“No, no,” Aaron protests quickly, not willing to let Jon think that even for a minute. “That’s not what I mean. _Why_ do you kiss me?”

Jon seems to be seriously relieved at the clarification, and puts the pieces together. “Aaron, I love you,” And even thought that was what he was hoping for, Aaron can’t believe that he’s saying it out loud. “I care about you,” Jon continues, leaning over the center console. “I’ve loved you for ages.”

Aaron feels his throat closing up. “You have?” he chokes out.

Jon shrugs and swings his keys by the ring with his pointer finger. “Yeah. We don’t… Nothing has to happen with that information. I want to be with you however I can. Our friendship isn’t a compromise for me, like, I don’t need anything more than this, you know? I just want you to-“

“Say it again,” Aaron pleads, quiet, stopping him in his tracks. Jon stares at him, partly concerned and partly disbelieving.

“I love you?” he lilts back, more a question than an answer, and Aaron needs to know, he _needs-_

“Again?” his voice breaks up as he asks.

Jon grabs both of his hands, eyes searching while his lips part as if he found signs of life after a flat-line. “I love you,” And he says it with such conviction that Aaron breaks down right there. Jon cups the back of his head and pulls him into a hug, so that he can bury his face in Jon’s shoulder. “I love you so much.”

Aaron can’t stop crying, but Jon only holds him closer. He distantly wishes he didn’t have to blubber so much. The console is digging into his ribs, and he’s sure he’s ruining Jon’s shirt collar, but Aaron is unable to find any good reason to pull away. “I love you too,” he sobs, and the phrase is so foreign on his tongue that it nearly embarrasses him. The memory of the last- and only other time he said it- embarrasses him more.

But Jon is smiling so wide, kissing Aaron’s cheeks and nose, nuzzling him. He tries to smile too, if only for a moment.

“Let’s go inside,” Jon whispers, and even if it’s hard to unstick themselves from the other, they both manage to last until they get to Jon’s room, even hearing Samuel’s frustrated sigh from the hallway where they discarded their shoes. When he gets to the bedroom, they’re wrapped up in each other- literally- on one bed, Aaron having cheekily stolen Jon’s hoodie again, still sniffling a bit.

Sam huffs and drops both pairs of shoes on the ground next to the door, then leaves without a word.

Aaron flexes his toes while Jon kisses him, tears forgotten. It’s so desperate and sweet, he can’t stand it, has to pull away. He laughs, throwing his head back and letting Jon kiss his jawline to his own heart’s content. It’s unbelievable to Aaron.

“I love you,” Jon is whispering it over and over against his neck, making it hard to force the excitement down. But he’s warm, in bed surrounded by Jon, who loves him, so Aaron lets himself be excited about something for once.

**Author's Note:**

> come yell about burramy with me @ transaaronburr.tumblr.com


End file.
